It's been two year today since you left. I'm pulling to not break dwon but it's hard. I miss you. I think we all sis pretty good today. It's still not the same but it won't ever be. God, I wish you were still here. I pretend you still in Key West to make myself feel better. I'm going crazy thinking about you. We're gonna come see you this weekend. It's gonna be raining, figures. Well I don't really know what to say because I don't really know how I feel about this anymore. I love you and miss you Russy.
I miss you. I miss you so much I can't stop crying. I cry all the time and it makes me sad all the time. Why did you leave? It's not fair. I only saw you for 10 minutes after you had been gone for 2 years and then you were just gone. Why did I have to stay on the phone with him. If I hung up with him and went to talk to you maybe you would be here still. Why you? Why not someone else? I try to hide how I feel but when I lay down to go to sleep I wonder if your in heaven. I think thats why I get so mad when people tell me theres no god or heaven. I wanna hope your somewhere good and that maybe I'll see you again. Everything is so messed up now. I'm never happy and I have no one to talk to about you, no one understands. Everyone tells me their there for me but no one really is. No matter what anyone says ot never makes it better. I can't talk to mommy or Andrew about it because it makes them cry and I feel even worse. I don't know if your watching me. I hope you are. I have no pictures of us together and the only memory I have of you is of you laying on the basement floor. You didn't even look the same. I try to think about as you still in Key West trying to get better but it doesn't always work. Mommy wanted me to come with her to vist you but I can't. I can't stop crying. Nothing makes me feel better. I have so much I wanna talk to you about and I can't. My life is some messed up and I don't know how to fix it. Please come back. I need to know your fine. I hate the fact that just about everyone got to see you on your last day but me. I might have Mr. Cap for math this year. Deanna told him about you and he started crying. I'm trying to go on with life but it's so hard. I don't do anything anymore. I sit in the hose and wait. I don't even know what I'm waiting for. I miss my big brother. I want you back. Even if it's just for 10 minutes because it's 10 minutes I didn't have. Sometime I cry myself to sleep thinking about you and when I wake up I cry even harder. I can't believe it's been almost 2 years. Please, please, please, please! Come back nothing is the same. I need your help. I'm so lost without you. I need you to give me strength to keep moving. I love you and I miss you.
There are alot of things I want to say to alot of people but I'm to stubborn and arrogant to do so. I wanna say sorry but then I can't because I feel like I have a reason for being mad so I don't know what to do. I'm not brave enough to step up and say anything. My pride and my mouth ruined me. I don't know what to do and I stuck so far down I don't think it would matter now anyway. I know I'm an asshole, but your not really any better. I have want I wanna say in mind but even if I do end up saying it, you'll just trun it around on me. I know if you felt the way I did you would do the same thing. I don't hate anyone, but it's just some much easier then saying sorry.
School is starting soon and I'm very happy to here that. I love being in school and yet my grades aren't good. Summer has been boring. Oh, but I went down my campgound and got completely smacked out of my mind for 4 day. Ah, I love Miller, Mike's Hard and Kahlua. Me and me cousin Deanna were spying at skinny dippers and she stole their shit. It's was wonderful.
Well it seems that teres not really much else to write about.
